New York City!

Am I the only person who still, when I see or hear the phrase NEW YORK CITY, thinks of the Pace salsa commercial where two cowboys incredulously read aloud the birthplace of an inferior brand of salsa? Sad, but true. I guess that was a successful ad.

Anyway, onto the topic at hand: my tumultuous relationship with New York City. I know I am not alone in this. But here is my perception, in Portland anyway: you are supposed to say, oh man I just LOVE New York, I go there as much as I can. You are allowed to shake your head ruefully or express your frustration or burned out-ness in relation to a recent trip to New York, or if you are from there originally you can say how much you prefer the leafy environs of Portland. But you are not supposed to say that you are freaked out and overwhelmed by New York. That is bad form. That is for rubes from the midwest – oh my stars, all the people, and the noise, and the CRIME! It’s possible that this is all a projection of my paranoid girl-from-the-midwest-trying-to-prove-herself mind… but my sense is that when I am honest about my last trip to New York people kind of look away and change the subject. Like… “huh, that’s weird. Hm. Well did you eat some good food though?”

And luckily I did eat some incredible food. But the fact remains, my last trip to New York (about a month ago) was difficult. Like, for the first five days I hid in the apartment where I was crashing and trembled with fear at the thought of setting foot anywhere by myself.

I think it came down to several key factors that converged to overwhelm me:

1. Fear of navigating the subway, of getting irrevokably lost.
2. Fear of strangers. It’s embarrassing to admit this.
3. Performance anxiety. I was performing my show. This is a topic for another day.
4. Noise and lack of quiet space.
5. Money. New York is fucking expensive.

So, all together, these factors = TOTALLY FREAKED OUT IN NEW YORK CITY.

I did eventually figure out how to handle these various stressors, and next time when I go, I think I’ll be better prepared. Here are some things that helped me get over my freaked-out-ness:

1. After studying a map, in a low stress (ie, not about to get on the subway) situation, and setting a simple journey for myself that I could successfully complete, it no longer felt like the entire city was waiting to gobble me up.

2. It’s a New York cliché, but after two weeks I found myself shutting people out, not making eye contact with everyone. It helped me focus on the people I wanted to focus on, and not take it personally when other people did this to me.

3. I still haven’t figured out what to do about the performance anxiety thing – I’ll let you know when I do.

4. I realized that parks and little oases are there for a good reason: to keep you sane. Also: Brighton Beach! Walking along the beach felt like magic.

5. I tried to buy groceries and not eat out every meal. I didn’t really succeed in this but maybe next time I will.

So, yeah. New York. Tough town, great salsa.