How to Rock at Karaoke

Since I'm on a "how to" kick. And since singing is occupying too much brain space. I present to you: my SEVEN STEPS TO ROCKING AT KARAOKE.

Actually - I don't know that following these steps will guarantee that you become a karaoke star. They're really just my arbitrary, iron-clad rules for how one should approach karaoke. Are there other metals you can be clad in, if you're not absolutely certain? If so, I'd rather call these rules copper-clad.

COPPER-CLAD! If I ever form a clog-dancing a cappella women's celtic singing group, this is what we'll call ourselves. Not, as my dad suggested, LOVIN' COVEN.

Now, I should say before I go into the SEVEN STEPS: I am assuming that you are going out to sing karaoke with a group of good friends who will stand up and applaud you no matter what you do. God help you if you go by yourself. That is madness (though, scroll down to read the craziest karaoke story of my life, to find out what happens when you go karaoke-ing by yourself). It is much easier to be crazy and stupid if you have good friends around you cheering you on. AND BY GOD, I WANT YOU TO BE CRAZY AND STUPID. It is your inalienable right.

Step 1: Do not give a fuck. Attitude is the most important thing. If you have a crazy hat or scarf or some other costume element, wear it. The crazier the better. People will love it. Seriously, this trumps singing ability any day. You can be a great singer and bomb at karaoke by having no presence. You can be a terrible singer but rock out by being flamboyant. Presence is way more important than hitting the right notes.

Step 2: Pick a song you know backwards and forwards and love with all your heart. Say, “A Little Less Conversation, A Lot More Action.” There is a reason someone always sings a Neil Diamond song at a karaoke bar, and it’s because his songs are very easy. Same goes for anything by Phil Collins, Nancy Sinatra and Jimmy Buffett (bless his heart). But you’ll be fine if you pick something you sing along to on the radio or in the shower. Don’t think about it too much, just pick something. And word to the wise: be careful of Pink Floyd, Tina Turner and Janis Joplin. They are harder than you think.

Step 3: Sing it with gusto – but not so much gusto that your voice cracks. Keep a tiny bit of yourself pulled back so you can hear your voice and how it sounds.

Step 4: If you can do it without looking at the words, work in some basic moves – turning your back on the audience then whipping back around, laying down on the floor with arms outstretched. Again, it’s not precision that counts here, it’s guts and enthusiasm. Which is why people get drunk.

Step 5: Read the crowd. If you’re in a country bar, this might not be the time to bust out your favorite Mary J. Blige song. Are there a lot of old drunks at the bar? They might appreciate some Hank Williams. Do you find yourself surrounded by drunk frat boys? Dear god, this is not the time to sing Tori Amos (or maybe it is… I am a fan of the “sing a ‘fuck you’ song and walk out the door” technique, myself).

Step 6: Don’t repeat a song that you already rocked the shit out of the last time you were out. You will likely have a diminished effect. It’s better to move on to new terrain, and come back to that one when you’re in a new situation – a new crowd, a new town, after a 6 month absence. If you do the same song every time… I don’t know, it just feels like cheating. I recommend this formula: one new song, one core song.

Step 7: What to do if you bomb. Well, you know what? It happens to everyone. You don’t have any control, so you’re likely to bomb once in a while no matter how good a singer and performer you are. So bomb big. If you realize in the first 3 notes that you don’t actually know this song, sing it loud and sing it proud. Ask the crowd to help you out. Stop singing altogether and launch into a ridiculous dance routine. Go into the crowd and give the mic to the person who is singing along the loudest. Sing horribly, gleefully off-tune. Or you can always try speak-shouting with passion, that works sometimes.

Things to remember: some of the worst karaoke experiences I have had involved songs I thought I knew backwards and forwards. Some of the best I’ve had are with songs I was totally unsure about going in (or didn’t know at all). Of course, some of the worst were also songs I realized with a sinking heart upon hearing the first chords that I didn’t know after all. But whatever, the point is, either way it’s done after three minutes and the crowd doesn’t care that much.

And a story to bring this all together, entitled My Craziest Karaoke Experience:

Once I was at my favorite karaoke bar – Chopsticks III, the How Can Be lounge – and someone was celebrating a birthday with a huge party of friends, with a huge birthday cake sitting untouched on the table. A man walked in, and when his name was called he put a chair on the dance floor and proceeded to do a seriously bizarre version of “A Little Less Conversation, A Lot More Action.” He started out sitting in the chair and ended flailing around the room, screaming the song at the top of his lungs. When he was done, he put down the mic, grabbed the cake and walked out the door. Five minutes later the bartender asked if anyone knew who that guy was, because he’d smashed the cake on someone’s car and driven off. That has nothing to do with rocking it, it’s just a weird story. But man, even though that guy was genuinely crazy and he ruined that poor girl’s cake, it is the best karaoke story I have.